Anyone had a hard time reconciling their psychedelic experiences?
Posted: Sun Jul 04, 2021 2:48 pm
I had psilocybin 2 times in my life, both times in the form of magic truffles. First time I used around 10-12 grams, and it was a great experience, though I remained firmly grounded in reality throughout. I also had someone to take care of me, so I never really felt alone or at any danger.
Fast forward 2 years, and this April I decided it was time to level up, so to speak, and have one of those "ego death" experiences pyschonauts always talk about. For that, I locked myself in my apartment alone, in darkness, and took 19g of truffles, which is still not considered a very heavy dose, but I'd figured it was better to err on the side of caution.
The way down the rabbit hole, until the threshold of ego death, was the most terrifying experience of my life, but I'm sure I don't have to explain this to anyone who tried it. Then, after I let myself go and fall into the "beyond", it was, there's no other word, transcendental. Even the basic structures of my thinking, the very concepts language is capable of conveying, just broke down, and I was pure awareness, impassionate, without fear and desire, just examining the thing that I normally call "me". Then, even that broke down, and I just dissolved into the universe. I melted into the ocean of existence, forgetting which line of the symphony of reality "I" was, and becoming the whole of it.
Then I came back. I remember that coming back was terrible, like "I" was torn out of wholeness and infinity to be forced to go through individual experience once more. While the individual fears death and the annihilation of the ego more than anything, when it actually happens, you realise there is nothing lost when that happens - on the contrary, when something is lost is the moment of being tossed out of the fullness of existence.
Sorry for making this description so long, but I think it's important for me to explain what I experienced in order for my problem to make sense.
Since the trip, I'm having a very difficult time integrating all this into my ego. I have minor hppd (some visual snow and distortions of spatial vision), which causes me constant anxiety. I'm frequently come over by the feeling of whether I really am here and whether what I'm experiencing is actually happening. In other words, I've lost my certainty in the axioms I used to hold to be true, and now I feel lost and afraid.
It's like as I've "rebonded" with my ego, I also brough realisations with me that my ego just cannot accept and integrate, and as a result I'm constantly on edge, having to constantly occupy my mind with something because I'm terrified of where my mind could wander if I just let it.
I'm also experiencing certain changes in how my mind is working, which are not bad in themselves, but still I'm reflexively scared of them, like how when I'm daydreaming I'm prone to zoning out and wander into dreamscapes, which I don't even know where they come from.
It feels like emotionally I'm stuck at the zone my ego experienced before the ego death, and I don't know what to do with this.
I don't really have anyone I could discuss these things with, because none of my friends or family experimented with psychedelics. I thought some of you may have had similar journeys/experiences, and could share your insight. It would be much appreciated.
Fast forward 2 years, and this April I decided it was time to level up, so to speak, and have one of those "ego death" experiences pyschonauts always talk about. For that, I locked myself in my apartment alone, in darkness, and took 19g of truffles, which is still not considered a very heavy dose, but I'd figured it was better to err on the side of caution.
The way down the rabbit hole, until the threshold of ego death, was the most terrifying experience of my life, but I'm sure I don't have to explain this to anyone who tried it. Then, after I let myself go and fall into the "beyond", it was, there's no other word, transcendental. Even the basic structures of my thinking, the very concepts language is capable of conveying, just broke down, and I was pure awareness, impassionate, without fear and desire, just examining the thing that I normally call "me". Then, even that broke down, and I just dissolved into the universe. I melted into the ocean of existence, forgetting which line of the symphony of reality "I" was, and becoming the whole of it.
Then I came back. I remember that coming back was terrible, like "I" was torn out of wholeness and infinity to be forced to go through individual experience once more. While the individual fears death and the annihilation of the ego more than anything, when it actually happens, you realise there is nothing lost when that happens - on the contrary, when something is lost is the moment of being tossed out of the fullness of existence.
Sorry for making this description so long, but I think it's important for me to explain what I experienced in order for my problem to make sense.
Since the trip, I'm having a very difficult time integrating all this into my ego. I have minor hppd (some visual snow and distortions of spatial vision), which causes me constant anxiety. I'm frequently come over by the feeling of whether I really am here and whether what I'm experiencing is actually happening. In other words, I've lost my certainty in the axioms I used to hold to be true, and now I feel lost and afraid.
It's like as I've "rebonded" with my ego, I also brough realisations with me that my ego just cannot accept and integrate, and as a result I'm constantly on edge, having to constantly occupy my mind with something because I'm terrified of where my mind could wander if I just let it.
I'm also experiencing certain changes in how my mind is working, which are not bad in themselves, but still I'm reflexively scared of them, like how when I'm daydreaming I'm prone to zoning out and wander into dreamscapes, which I don't even know where they come from.
It feels like emotionally I'm stuck at the zone my ego experienced before the ego death, and I don't know what to do with this.
I don't really have anyone I could discuss these things with, because none of my friends or family experimented with psychedelics. I thought some of you may have had similar journeys/experiences, and could share your insight. It would be much appreciated.