My biggest existential crisis

[Freefrommainstream]

It is 2:48 am in Germany and I am writing this text right now. Lets describe my situation

I have a diagnosed severe depression and severe ocd which forces me to think about philosophy and other things the entire time. Sometimes I can not sleep for 2 or 3 days, I will end up in a mental hospital soon and will get help but I do not think there is help.


Why should I live? I am forced to live, I love my family and it would be a shock if they lost me but tell me why should I live. Some day nothing will be anymore. I live, get a job, get old and die. All these philosophical questions make me crazy. I came to the conclusion that there is simply no point in anything. I want to know what happens after death. Will I even know it? No one knows or does someone know it...I think people that died know it and laugh at us.The best thing to do would be to practically investigate into survival by suicide. Ontology, Metaphysics and science made me realise that I am just a meaningless something like everything else.

My favorite thought experiment is the following.
Imagine everything would be wiped out in a famtosecond. Who would care? No one. If there is something after death we would realise it, if not, then we would not realise it, for the sake of this thoughtexperiment. I really think there is something after death but I want to experience it and laugh at my former self how it tried to find answers and find a meaning in life. Just because I am sure there is an afterlife (based on careful research made by many scientist) this does not mean that there is a meaning in life.


Any thoughts on this?

Is it just my psychical disorder or did I find out that life has no meaning and we know very little about anything? Please do not commit suicide, I am just in a crisis you should not be in one too.

[AshvinP]

It is 2:48 am in Germany and I am writing this text right now. Lets describe my situation

I have a diagnosed severe depression and severe ocd which forces me to think about philosophy and other things the entire time. Sometimes I can not sleep for 2 or 3 days, I will end up in a mental hospital soon and will get help but I do not think there is help.


Why should I live? I am forced to live, I love my family and it would be a shock if they lost me but tell me why should I live. Some day nothing will be anymore. I live, get a job, get old and die. All these philosophical questions make me crazy. I came to the conclusion that there is simply no point in anything. I want to know what happens after death. Will I even know it? No one knows or does someone know it...I think people that died know it and laugh at us.The best thing to do would be to practically investigate into survival by suicide. Ontology, Metaphysics and science made me realise that I am just a meaningless something like everything else.

My favorite thought experiment is the following.
Imagine everything would be wiped out in a famtosecond. Who would care? No one. If there is something after death we would realise it, if not, then we would not realise it, for the sake of this thoughtexperiment. I really think there is something after death but I want to experience it and laugh at my former self how it tried to find answers and find a meaning in life. Just because I am sure there is an afterlife (based on careful research made by many scientist) this does not mean that there is a meaning in life.


Any thoughts on this?

Is it just my psychical disorder or did I find out that life has no meaning and we know very little about anything? Please do not commit suicide, I am just in a crisis you should not be in one too.

Hello,

Maybe you will get some value from this thread - viewtopic.php?t=850

What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt from experience at this point is, Reality doesn't keep existential meaning hidden from us, we keep it hidden from ourselves. Why? All sorts of reasons we would rather not admit. As Cleric commented on that thread, there could be a certain satisfaction we take in our 'unique' misery, our own personal hellscape customized to our liking. Regardless, there is nothing in reality itself which desires that we remain in paralyzing, depressing fear and uncertainty and meaninglessness. In fact it's quite the opposite. It desires to give us courage, faith, hope, and love despite ourselves. It even desires we know the secrets of death. Yes, these things have been known for centuries now and more recently have become widely accessible to all.

But I know, also from experience, it does little good to link books and lectures and list out things in bullet point fashion. The person seeking answers must evidence their genuine interest by making an active effort to search out the resources and understand what they are dealing with. The deeper meaning won't become automatically obvious after first or second pass of the words written. Humility, good will, and persistence are indispensable qualities for reaching understanding here. And petition to the wise powers behind our existence and evolution for courage, guidance, wisdom, and understanding, not for selfish or transient needs but so none should remain in crisis too, will make the process infinitely more meaningful and rewarding.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can make your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this world’s darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Therefore take up the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you will be able to stand your ground, and having done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness arrayed, and with your feet fitted with the readiness of the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Pray in the Spirit at all times, with every kind of prayer and petition. To this end, stay alert with all perseverance in your prayers for all the saints. Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will boldly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it fearlessly, as I should.

[Federica]

It is 2:48 am in Germany and I am writing this text right now. Lets describe my situation

I have a diagnosed severe depression and severe ocd which forces me to think about philosophy and other things the entire time. Sometimes I can not sleep for 2 or 3 days, I will end up in a mental hospital soon and will get help but I do not think there is help.


Why should I live? I am forced to live, I love my family and it would be a shock if they lost me but tell me why should I live. Some day nothing will be anymore. I live, get a job, get old and die. All these philosophical questions make me crazy. I came to the conclusion that there is simply no point in anything. I want to know what happens after death. Will I even know it? No one knows or does someone know it...I think people that died know it and laugh at us.The best thing to do would be to practically investigate into survival by suicide. Ontology, Metaphysics and science made me realise that I am just a meaningless something like everything else.

My favorite thought experiment is the following.
Imagine everything would be wiped out in a famtosecond. Who would care? No one. If there is something after death we would realise it, if not, then we would not realise it, for the sake of this thoughtexperiment. I really think there is something after death but I want to experience it and laugh at my former self how it tried to find answers and find a meaning in life. Just because I am sure there is an afterlife (based on careful research made by many scientist) this does not mean that there is a meaning in life.


Any thoughts on this?

Is it just my psychical disorder or did I find out that life has no meaning and we know very little about anything? Please do not commit suicide, I am just in a crisis you should not be in one too.

Hi Freefrommainstream,


I have been impressed (in a positive way) by your post and I would like to follow your invitation and give you my thoughts.


There is something powerful in your words. It's their sharp honesty. You have allowed yourself to come to the forefront completely divested from all reformulations and this is so auspicious. Your crisis is giving you the courage to deliver the unretouched picture and there is usable strength in that. (Yes, this is not what you were asking but I'm coming to your question). So you look into your existential crisis with big lucidity, through your diagnosed conditions, and see nothing but nothingness in life. The recurrent thought is: ‘there’s no sense and no help around here’. At the same time you also must have this other thought: ‘is it really so?’, because you are double checking now, you are asking for a second opinion. You are actually even asking, or hoping, to be proven wrong: ‘why should I live, does someone know it’. In short what one can notice here is that you have courage, and you have hope. To me - and that's why I am impressed - this looks like pretty solid equipment to tackle philosophical questions like these! This is clearly not the beginner kit!


Then yes, you also have issues, let’s come to these. The thing is this. For some reason - the nonsense of everyday life, the suffering, or something else - you cannot wait. There is a journey that presents itself to you - a forest to pass through, a river to cross, however we wanna see it - and your main feeling and current opinion in navigating this is: ‘I lack the meaning, the sense of going through all this’. And you just want to be teletransported directly to the next milepost. What you wish for is a kind of lift, or an extreme shortcut. You even want to establish a science of the shortcut, under the hypothesis, as it seems, that it would bring you to a sort of calm heaven, where one can dwell, rest, and laugh looking back at their previous struggling self.


Right. And you know what? In my opinion, this is a certainly tough to experience, but actually fairly advantageous place to be, if we look closely. To recap, you have the keen interest in the inquiry, and you have the lucidity. You even have the drive to conceive a science of the navigation beyond the basic work-eat-sleep nonsensical loop of the everyday. Let's face it, you have almost everything that's required! The 'only' thing you are struggling with is the object of inquiry that you are putting under the lens of your science. For some reason you have come to the conclusion that spiritual science should be about the shortcut. Let’s drop the reasons for this conclusion for a moment, and let’s look at the object of your inquiry, because here you have been misled.


What might seem like a logical shortcut, works in fact as a major setback, when taken. Do you have these popular obstacle course races in Germany? If you don’t win the obstacle, or renounce to try it, you have to take three penalty rounds to compensate for that if you want to continue, and you can be sure you will end up, by far, worse off. Not only it’s not a shortcut when you renounce an obstacle. In fact, it slows you seriously down, and chances are the penalty rounds will even break you completely, so you’re out, not able to go on to the next obstacle. The suicide shortcut it’s the same. It’s very risky, in the same way it is in the obstacle race. The truth is, there is no shortcut. That’s the way it is. We only can take the regular path, which is tough. For many, it's a challenge. Even an unbearable one. Many just prefer to sit down and wait, trying not to think they will never complete the race. But for you it shouldn’t be an unbearable challenge! You have right now practically all that’s requested! What is dragging you down is the object of your enquiry.


Not asking you to believe that, you can look at your own present condition. Is it not your experience that the more you play with the thought of bypassing life experience, the more your ocd is dragging you back down to forced experience? The more you want to shortcut it, to fly ahead, the more you get stuck into forcing yourself to go even deeper into experiential loops, on repeat, in a way that is uncontrollable. These two opposite drives tear yourself apart with proportional strength, I would imagine. If this is what's happening, then the way to go, in your situation, seems clear. You have to challenge the thought about the shortcut. It's the scientific experiment you have to work with. Which is nothing more and nothing less than what you did with this post. So you have to do it again. As you do it, you will probably see that the compulsory pressure will release to some extent. Probably that’s what happened with this post, I would imagine. Here you have challenged the attraction of the shortcut, that's what you have done. If upon posting you have experienced a coincidental momentary release - maybe you could sleep a little better - then you know that this is one of the mechanics you can work with. And you can be confident it's doable, you have done it already.


So yes, someone knows it, Freefrommainstream. Hope to see you soon again around here.


.

[Lauriso]

Hey, I just now read your post and really related to it. How are you doing, OP?