Anyone had a hard time reconciling their psychedelic experiences?

[Hedge90]

I had psilocybin 2 times in my life, both times in the form of magic truffles. First time I used around 10-12 grams, and it was a great experience, though I remained firmly grounded in reality throughout. I also had someone to take care of me, so I never really felt alone or at any danger.
Fast forward 2 years, and this April I decided it was time to level up, so to speak, and have one of those "ego death" experiences pyschonauts always talk about. For that, I locked myself in my apartment alone, in darkness, and took 19g of truffles, which is still not considered a very heavy dose, but I'd figured it was better to err on the side of caution.
The way down the rabbit hole, until the threshold of ego death, was the most terrifying experience of my life, but I'm sure I don't have to explain this to anyone who tried it. Then, after I let myself go and fall into the "beyond", it was, there's no other word, transcendental. Even the basic structures of my thinking, the very concepts language is capable of conveying, just broke down, and I was pure awareness, impassionate, without fear and desire, just examining the thing that I normally call "me". Then, even that broke down, and I just dissolved into the universe. I melted into the ocean of existence, forgetting which line of the symphony of reality "I" was, and becoming the whole of it.
Then I came back. I remember that coming back was terrible, like "I" was torn out of wholeness and infinity to be forced to go through individual experience once more. While the individual fears death and the annihilation of the ego more than anything, when it actually happens, you realise there is nothing lost when that happens - on the contrary, when something is lost is the moment of being tossed out of the fullness of existence.
Sorry for making this description so long, but I think it's important for me to explain what I experienced in order for my problem to make sense.
Since the trip, I'm having a very difficult time integrating all this into my ego. I have minor hppd (some visual snow and distortions of spatial vision), which causes me constant anxiety. I'm frequently come over by the feeling of whether I really am here and whether what I'm experiencing is actually happening. In other words, I've lost my certainty in the axioms I used to hold to be true, and now I feel lost and afraid.
It's like as I've "rebonded" with my ego, I also brough realisations with me that my ego just cannot accept and integrate, and as a result I'm constantly on edge, having to constantly occupy my mind with something because I'm terrified of where my mind could wander if I just let it.
I'm also experiencing certain changes in how my mind is working, which are not bad in themselves, but still I'm reflexively scared of them, like how when I'm daydreaming I'm prone to zoning out and wander into dreamscapes, which I don't even know where they come from.
It feels like emotionally I'm stuck at the zone my ego experienced before the ego death, and I don't know what to do with this.
I don't really have anyone I could discuss these things with, because none of my friends or family experimented with psychedelics. I thought some of you may have had similar journeys/experiences, and could share your insight. It would be much appreciated.

[Brian Wachter]

I've had many psychedelic experiences, and even had my biggest breakthrough while sober. For me, only time and exposure to nature have allowed me to integrate my experiences. It may be trite to say a natural environment can be healing but it also happens to be true. Rocks, trees and natural water are experiences that are grounding and ego-nullifying without being scary. Do you hike?

[SanteriSatama]

I had psilocybin 2 times in my life, both times in the form of magic truffles. First time I used around 10-12 grams, and it was a great experience, though I remained firmly grounded in reality throughout. I also had someone to take care of me, so I never really felt alone or at any danger.
Fast forward 2 years, and this April I decided it was time to level up, so to speak, and have one of those "ego death" experiences pyschonauts always talk about. For that, I locked myself in my apartment alone, in darkness, and took 19g of truffles, which is still not considered a very heavy dose, but I'd figured it was better to err on the side of caution.
The way down the rabbit hole, until the threshold of ego death, was the most terrifying experience of my life, but I'm sure I don't have to explain this to anyone who tried it. Then, after I let myself go and fall into the "beyond", it was, there's no other word, transcendental. Even the basic structures of my thinking, the very concepts language is capable of conveying, just broke down, and I was pure awareness, impassionate, without fear and desire, just examining the thing that I normally call "me". Then, even that broke down, and I just dissolved into the universe. I melted into the ocean of existence, forgetting which line of the symphony of reality "I" was, and becoming the whole of it.
Then I came back. I remember that coming back was terrible, like "I" was torn out of wholeness and infinity to be forced to go through individual experience once more. While the individual fears death and the annihilation of the ego more than anything, when it actually happens, you realise there is nothing lost when that happens - on the contrary, when something is lost is the moment of being tossed out of the fullness of existence.
Sorry for making this description so long, but I think it's important for me to explain what I experienced in order for my problem to make sense.
Since the trip, I'm having a very difficult time integrating all this into my ego. I have minor hppd (some visual snow and distortions of spatial vision), which causes me constant anxiety. I'm frequently come over by the feeling of whether I really am here and whether what I'm experiencing is actually happening. In other words, I've lost my certainty in the axioms I used to hold to be true, and now I feel lost and afraid.
It's like as I've "rebonded" with my ego, I also brough realisations with me that my ego just cannot accept and integrate, and as a result I'm constantly on edge, having to constantly occupy my mind with something because I'm terrified of where my mind could wander if I just let it.
I'm also experiencing certain changes in how my mind is working, which are not bad in themselves, but still I'm reflexively scared of them, like how when I'm daydreaming I'm prone to zoning out and wander into dreamscapes, which I don't even know where they come from.
It feels like emotionally I'm stuck at the zone my ego experienced before the ego death, and I don't know what to do with this.
I don't really have anyone I could discuss these things with, because none of my friends or family experimented with psychedelics. I thought some of you may have had similar journeys/experiences, and could share your insight. It would be much appreciated.

Putting intention of "ego death" into the communion, and then doing it alone, might not be the best idea.
Traditional medicinal use stresses the importance of staying socially connected, as there can be also risks involved if you go very sporty very soon.

This is very tentative very hypothetical, but sounds like a part or aspect of your soul is stuck, and soul retrieving journey might help to reintegrate better. I very much recommend trying to find an experienced traveler, and discuss the diagnosis and do the soul retrieving journey together, if that is agreed on. Or if you really want to try on your own, and travel to meat face your fear, that's can't be forbidden either, but it would be irresponsible to recommend that.

Any case, my blessings and best wishes with you.

[Soul_of_Shu]

I just don't have enough experience with psychedelics to be qualified to offer advice, but if you're interested in help from someone who has a lot of experience, especially with psilocybin, you may want to check this out ...

https://www.jameswjesso.com/contact/jes ... -sessions/

[Cleric K]

I had psilocybin 2 times in my life, both times in the form of magic truffles. First time I used around 10-12 grams, and it was a great experience, though I remained firmly grounded in reality throughout. I also had someone to take care of me, so I never really felt alone or at any danger.
Fast forward 2 years, and this April I decided it was time to level up, so to speak, and have one of those "ego death" experiences pyschonauts always talk about. For that, I locked myself in my apartment alone, in darkness, and took 19g of truffles, which is still not considered a very heavy dose, but I'd figured it was better to err on the side of caution.
The way down the rabbit hole, until the threshold of ego death, was the most terrifying experience of my life, but I'm sure I don't have to explain this to anyone who tried it. Then, after I let myself go and fall into the "beyond", it was, there's no other word, transcendental. Even the basic structures of my thinking, the very concepts language is capable of conveying, just broke down, and I was pure awareness, impassionate, without fear and desire, just examining the thing that I normally call "me". Then, even that broke down, and I just dissolved into the universe. I melted into the ocean of existence, forgetting which line of the symphony of reality "I" was, and becoming the whole of it.
Then I came back. I remember that coming back was terrible, like "I" was torn out of wholeness and infinity to be forced to go through individual experience once more. While the individual fears death and the annihilation of the ego more than anything, when it actually happens, you realise there is nothing lost when that happens - on the contrary, when something is lost is the moment of being tossed out of the fullness of existence.
Sorry for making this description so long, but I think it's important for me to explain what I experienced in order for my problem to make sense.
Since the trip, I'm having a very difficult time integrating all this into my ego. I have minor hppd (some visual snow and distortions of spatial vision), which causes me constant anxiety. I'm frequently come over by the feeling of whether I really am here and whether what I'm experiencing is actually happening. In other words, I've lost my certainty in the axioms I used to hold to be true, and now I feel lost and afraid.
It's like as I've "rebonded" with my ego, I also brough realisations with me that my ego just cannot accept and integrate, and as a result I'm constantly on edge, having to constantly occupy my mind with something because I'm terrified of where my mind could wander if I just let it.
I'm also experiencing certain changes in how my mind is working, which are not bad in themselves, but still I'm reflexively scared of them, like how when I'm daydreaming I'm prone to zoning out and wander into dreamscapes, which I don't even know where they come from.
It feels like emotionally I'm stuck at the zone my ego experienced before the ego death, and I don't know what to do with this.
I don't really have anyone I could discuss these things with, because none of my friends or family experimented with psychedelics. I thought some of you may have had similar journeys/experiences, and could share your insight. It would be much appreciated.

This is one of the things that could happen when one steps into such experiences prematurely. Consider this:

Those directions which are given for the training of the moral feelings, as also those for concentration in thinking, for meditation — all this makes finally for the one goal of loosening the spiritual texture which binds together the physical and etheric bodies, so that the etheric body does not remain so firmly fitted into the physical body as it naturally is. All the exercises strive after this lifting out, this loosening, of the etheric body.

I know that there are plenty of people here (in this forum) who view descriptions like the above, as completely abstract fantasies. Yet every word from the above comes from inner experiences and can be confirmed by anyone who knows them. People who don't know what you're talking about can only imagine that you've simply messed up your mind. And this is partly correct. But there's an aspect of it, which is something completely different.

If you want to be 'normal' again, that probably won't happen, or at least not until few more months or even years. What happens is that your etheric body is slightly loosened from the physical. Usually these things happen only in exceptional situations, most often NDEs. Otherwise, the moment of death is the first time for many, to experience the separation of the etheric (life) body from the physical.

There's great difference, though, when this loosening is achieved entirely though our own conscious effort. The slow but certain and safe path of gradual spiritual development, through spiritual exercises, doesn't simply eject us out of the body 'without the use of substances'. First and foremost we need to strengthen our thinking, feeling and willing by imbuing them with strong moral impulses. When this is achieved, there's great difference in the way we enter the spirit realm. When this happened to you, you were sent on a moon trip - you lost your "I" because you could no longer recognize anything that depends on your "I" - or at least your "I" as you know it from Earthly life. Yet it was not really gone, it was simply helplessly spread out and contemplating it's impotence to find its bearings. You know this is so, because otherwise you wouldn't be able to say that these events happened to you. The same essential being that you call "I", and which intuitively experiences your Earthly life, was also there in the ego-less state, even though it couldn't recognize its activity in the completely alien surroundings.

When we enter the out of body state through proper development, we're not lost. We interact with spiritual process and beings. From that vantage point, our ordinary ego is always at hand. This is very significant difference. We can enter and leave our ordinary state at will. In fact, it's of primer importance to always have our lower self in sight, so to speak. The reasons for this will take us too far, but let's just say that that's how we can translate the experiences between the higher and the sensory world. We investigate how our ordinary self comes to be, how its weaved of the higher order spiritual process and the threads of Karma. If we don't have our lower self in sight, reality becomes split for us - into the higher completely inexplicable realm, and the lower realm of the sensory and intellectual ego. The bridge can never be found in this way.

So what can be done? As said, one variant is simply to try and distract yourself and hope you'll be able to fill your consciousness with enough trivialities of life, such that you simply forget as much as possible the experience. You'll revisit the experience again at the moment of death. This would be a waste, in my opinion.
The other variant is to take your life in hands and begin to develop what you have accidentally unleashed. I must tell you that this is more difficult than if you start from baseline consciousness and proceed with proper exercises. Now you'll have to undo many distorted ideas which seem to you as great revelations but are actually the best a unprepared ego could make out of perceptions in a realm, for which it is utterly unfit.

It's impossible to give any more detailed instructions here. I don't even know if you're inclined to pursue spiritual development or you simply want to be 'normal' again. In any case, what I can recommend is to begin work with concentration of your thought. At this point, your etheric body floats adrift in certain moments of time and this causes you to revisit the psychedelic landscape. Normally the etheric body if firmly attached to the physical senses and the brain and experiences images relayed only through them. When the etheric detaches, it begins to be flooded with images from the side of the astral, and that's when you drift into the landscapes. The only way to recover from this spontaneous loosening, is by gaining control over it. As said, this requires work on many different fronts at the same time, but the one that can give you some relatively quick certainty and confidence is working with concentration of thinking. If you spend some time every day in concentration, you'll feel the effects. Take for example, an image of a light ball. Calmly bring it comfortably in your mind's eye. It's not at all important that you see it vividly. The most important thing is to feel that it is you with your own activity that support that image into place. You must feel the strength of your will as you fill that image with its reality. Intensity is key. Ultimately, for some time you need to be filled with the feeling which can be expressed as: "There, now I have something which is completely my own, I'm the master of the situation". Gradually you'll find that you can concentrate for longer and longer periods of time without being taken away by the foreign streams. When you develop this as a skill, you'll find that you'll have the spiritual force to be the master over the images. Let me just say that this concentration will not make you 'normal'. Actually it'll make the etheric spectrum even more real. But the great difference will be that it'll be in your command to invoke it or not. As your "I" strengthens and gains control over its relation with the streams of imagery, you'll also begin to realize that at the same time you're becoming self-aware in the realm of the moon trip, where there's was no trace of your "I". There was no trace, because your "I" couldn't recognize itself in anything around it. The firm support of the body, which normally reflects our thoughts, was taken away. But when you exercise with concentration, you'll learn to recognize yourself not only in the images that flash against the physical brain but also and most importantly, in the very activity that you perform to bring that image. Then, in the astral realm, even though you're detached from the physical and you don't experience your thought reflections, you can still experience vividly the activity of your "I" and how it interacts with the flow of imagery. This is how we gain self-consciousness in the higher worlds.

Good luck!